"You'll get over it…" It's the cliches that cause the trouble. To lose someone you love is to alter your life for ever. You don't get over it because 'it' is the person you loved. The pain stops, there are new people, but the gap never closes. How could it? The particularness of someone who mattered enough to grieve over is not made anodyne by death. This hole in my heart is in the shape of you and no-one else can fit it. Why would I want them to?

I.Hate.You.

I hate how she makes me go to sleep when I’m tired. How she makes everything right, how she makes everything good. I hate how she tries her best to cheer me up, how she encourages me, how she comforts me. I hate how she flips her hair and my heart takes a flip.

I hate how she lights up my life, how she makes my days brighter and my nights warmer. I hate how she made all the other girls irrelevant that I carelessly cut loose from them. I hate how she gets me into so many levels all at once, our connection is undeniable. I hate how she immediately captured my heart walking down those steps, how fast she was able to see through me, how quickly she figured me out. I hate how she remembers every mistake of mine but not the things I was good at. I hate she won't let me hold her a little longer, how she took a piece of my heart and made it hers.

I hate how we match so perfectly like heaven fated us to be together. I hate how she made me believe in love after failing at it again and again and again, how she is my soul mate, how she makes me so grateful every day for every single moment that I've spent with her. I hate how she asks the stupidest questions, how she’s annoyingly stubborn, how she doesn't get my jokes.

I hate how she’s so mean to people, how she teases me, how she calls me a loser. I hate how she cares for me, how she cares about me, how she makes me feel so safe. I hate how she doesn't remember and how she makes me forget. I hate how she makes my head so busy, how she makes me dance, how she makes me inexhaustibly happy. I hate how beautiful she is, how charming and adorable she could be. She is so beautiful.

I hate how she makes my life feel unmistakably luminous and sound, how she makes all the enigmatic things so rational, how she makes all the puzzle pieces fit together. I hate how she accepts my insanity and tolerates my bubble, how she discloses to me things she won't tell anyone and how that just makes me love her without bounds.I hate how she taught me to dream again and how she made my dreams come true. I hate how she laughs at me and how she laughs with me.

I hate how we understand each other so deeply, I could drown. I hate how she keeps my head off things, how I would always choose her, always. I hate how she makes my head spin, how she makes my heart race, and how she makes my feet leave the ground. I hate how she makes me float on the clouds. I hate how she makes my heart beat so fast and so slow at the same time like seriously what sorcery is that! How she makes me worry, how she makes me mad, how she makes me so scared. I hate how angry she gets me and i just want to strangle her and kiss life into her at the same time.

I hate our differences. I hate how she makes me rhyme, how she makes me sing, how she makes me write again. I hate how she is the muse of every line and every work of mine. I hate how she would cook and feed me just cause she know how much I love good food, how she makes me feel so loved. I hate how she is my only reason, how she made null the theories I believed in. I just hate how she is.

I hate how don't matter to her. I hate that I gave up and she never tried. I hate how enchanting and fascinating she gets and how she makes the world enthralling. I hate how she makes shiny and sunlit the dull and overcast, how she makes close by the distant and far, how she makes serene the desolate and gloomy and how she makes even the shattered whole again.

I hate how she makes me love her, how she lights up my life, how she means the world to me.

I hate the ground under her feet, and the air over her head, and everything she touches cause for that brief moment those things mean more to her than I and maybe I never will, I'll never know. I hate all her actions, and her entirely and altogether. I hate her. I hate you. I hate her so much, ugh.