Damn the AM

Damn the AM

I'm a creature of the night. If you know me even as an acquaintance, you'd know this for a fact. I am better at night. Everything about me gets better at night. I've always had a fascination for the night. You know, midnight – the time when all the cool things happen - you make new friends, you sing, suddenly you're dancing with a complete stranger and it doesn't feel odd.
Same old song and dance. Depending on the company and place it's almost always the same song, "How deep is your love" or "Baby pull me closer". I don't want to know about you. Your name is all that I want to know. I already am too worried about you. Too involved. I can feel the buzz rushing through my body.

And yet, midnight doesn’t feel cheap. It doesn’t feel lonely. Seems full of possibility, in some weird way. A new day. The start of another 24 hours for your life to change.

Now it's 2 A.M.

This is where things get a little out of hand. They've just called for the last rounds. the lights are up again. You can finally start hearing people again. People are saying goodbyes. Goodbyes are a little too reminiscent of death. I am not good at goodbyes. Never have liked it.

Now it's 2 A.M.

Someone is crying in bed alone. Or not alone. Or not alone but still alone. I look out and imagine a time and place where there would be no goodbyes. My Uber driver Yakub calls to let me know he's already arrived. I struggle to get in and apologize for keeping him waiting. He smells the bourbon and decides it's best not to engage with me. I sheepishly ask for the AC and the radio to be turned up. I need the distraction.

Now it's 2 A.M.

I’m mad at myself for things I did three years ago. I’m dissecting conversations I should have buried already. I’m looking at photos or reaching for my phone. I’m making a list of all the people I lost touch with. I’m wanting to hug them all.
I search every Ex I’ve ever had. Some that don’t even realize I think of them as an Ex. A former somebody. An almost. A fleeting thought.

Now it's 2 A.M.

I'm Angry. I'm always angry. Angry that everyone else seems to move on so easily. I am stuck running a romantic hamster wheel. I’ve never known how to make a graceful exit. I'm not able to sleep. I’m not falling asleep when my head hits the pillow. And I don’t want my 2 am thoughts. I want a distraction. God, you there? Naah! forget it!!

Now it's 2 A.M.

I’m awake, but I don’t want to be.

I’m buzzing, but I should stay still.

I'm staring at my room ceiling and cursing out loud and insomnia she yells right back.

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