The Pretender
I've been told on many occasions now that I'm really good with words, some of you have actually been far too kind and said that if I do ever write a book you'll love to read it. It makes me happy and scared at the same time. Happy because you seem to enjoy what i write and that's very satisfying indeed but it scares me because when i first started writing it was more for self discovery and less for you readers. It was supposed to be a little insight into what it means to be me. Now I can't help but think I might have gone overboard here.
Many of my friends have started blogging and I like to pretend that I'm probably among the reasons that they did. And so I keep talking to them to understand what is their process, how do they approach a post, what drives them to write. They tell me, almost all of them, that they write about things that they feel about and that it should be something that they have felt and can relate. I've always made fun of them and told them that words have the power to convey that which you don't even feel and the readers won't even know. They try and defend their position but alas give up mostly because I keep making fun and mocking them.
To you, I say the joke is on me. I was made to believe that I could control words and what they convey, that I'm their master, and they my slave but let me tell you that's not the case. Words, they have a life of their own and nobody can control them. My post you like so much isn't because i wrote them, its because those words seem to fit together. I've always liked to believe that words have the power to create but forgot that they have the power to destroy as well. The age old saying that words once spoken can't be taken back seems to be so true more than ever.
As a child..okay let me re frame my sentence..as the younger brother I had absolutely no control over the remote to the TV and that meant watching whatever my brother wished and fancied. And looking back am i thankful for that because a lot of anomaly in who i'm is because of those things on TV. Things like total disregard for death and the basic human empathy with death. I remember one day an elderly neighbor had died and as in most cases I opened the door and the lady broke the news to me that uncle was no more. I remember running back inside to where my brother and mom were sitting and laughing out loud like really really loud!! When i could finally tell my mom she left the room and brother and i continued to laugh out loud!
when she came back she found us still laughing and finally decided to lock us up in the room till we were done with our laughter.
One of the things i remember is watching a show called "The Pretender", Now I don't remember much about that show but all I can recall is that the protagonist could become anybody he chose to and it blew my mind. This was like as close to magic as possible. I mean at times he would be a fire fighter and then a doctor and he was good at it, not necessarily great but convincingly good and that kinda stuck to me. When asked what i wanted to be..I always thought why not anyone i want to be. I started to learn as many things as i could, not necessarily mastering them but get more n more information about anything and everything from disease to divinity I cover everything..if its worth knowing then I made it a point to know it. And boy has it come in handy for me! :)
It came with its own cost. Now I've always been the smartest one in a room. If it was something I didn't fully understand I had a way of learning it very fast right there..listening, observing people. I count that as my greatest asset till date.
Slowly I became the pretender. I could be anyone at the drop of a hat..from discussing cricket which i have no interest in to music which is very close to me I can be a very aware person on the said topic if not an expert in the field. but I lost part of me with every thing that i did I lost who i was.
I've smiled when I didn't want to. I said things which I knew i didn't believe in. For the people that mattered I became who they needed the most. For some I became the comic, for others I became the philosopher. Most of all I stopped being myself. and now different people have different versions of me.
And i don't know who i am.
I'm so good at what i do that I can convince even myself that if this is how it has to be then with the snap of a finger I become that. The only remorse is that I don't know who i am. I'm surprised how confident people are with what they want and who they are. I want everything and be anyone i want to.
Maybe a I'm asking a little too much..but Such is life.
To you, I say the joke is on me. I was made to believe that I could control words and what they convey, that I'm their master, and they my slave but let me tell you that's not the case. Words, they have a life of their own and nobody can control them. My post you like so much isn't because i wrote them, its because those words seem to fit together. I've always liked to believe that words have the power to create but forgot that they have the power to destroy as well. The age old saying that words once spoken can't be taken back seems to be so true more than ever.
As a child..okay let me re frame my sentence..as the younger brother I had absolutely no control over the remote to the TV and that meant watching whatever my brother wished and fancied. And looking back am i thankful for that because a lot of anomaly in who i'm is because of those things on TV. Things like total disregard for death and the basic human empathy with death. I remember one day an elderly neighbor had died and as in most cases I opened the door and the lady broke the news to me that uncle was no more. I remember running back inside to where my brother and mom were sitting and laughing out loud like really really loud!! When i could finally tell my mom she left the room and brother and i continued to laugh out loud!
when she came back she found us still laughing and finally decided to lock us up in the room till we were done with our laughter.
One of the things i remember is watching a show called "The Pretender", Now I don't remember much about that show but all I can recall is that the protagonist could become anybody he chose to and it blew my mind. This was like as close to magic as possible. I mean at times he would be a fire fighter and then a doctor and he was good at it, not necessarily great but convincingly good and that kinda stuck to me. When asked what i wanted to be..I always thought why not anyone i want to be. I started to learn as many things as i could, not necessarily mastering them but get more n more information about anything and everything from disease to divinity I cover everything..if its worth knowing then I made it a point to know it. And boy has it come in handy for me! :)
It came with its own cost. Now I've always been the smartest one in a room. If it was something I didn't fully understand I had a way of learning it very fast right there..listening, observing people. I count that as my greatest asset till date.
Slowly I became the pretender. I could be anyone at the drop of a hat..from discussing cricket which i have no interest in to music which is very close to me I can be a very aware person on the said topic if not an expert in the field. but I lost part of me with every thing that i did I lost who i was.
I've smiled when I didn't want to. I said things which I knew i didn't believe in. For the people that mattered I became who they needed the most. For some I became the comic, for others I became the philosopher. Most of all I stopped being myself. and now different people have different versions of me.
And i don't know who i am.
I'm so good at what i do that I can convince even myself that if this is how it has to be then with the snap of a finger I become that. The only remorse is that I don't know who i am. I'm surprised how confident people are with what they want and who they are. I want everything and be anyone i want to.
Maybe a I'm asking a little too much..but Such is life.
this is an acknowledgement, Vinit, yes, you were one of the contributing factors to my blogging. Not that i will give you the entire credit, but yes.... to a very large extent, you did make an impression (or may be your blogs did, either way!)... and I might or might not agree with all your views on words and their powers, the fact that they have an unmistakable mystery about themselves, is what drives us as writers (and readers)... As a reader, I realise that every word is strong enough to change the course of your life, as a writer, I believe that not all words that are being written, have been felt or understood! I must tell you this, though.... your blog, is definitely inspiring! Keep going!!! :)
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